Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
