i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
