I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
