OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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