Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
wakey wakey hands off snakey
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
