There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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