if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
