the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
