I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
