Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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