That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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