You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i want to swaddle you in tequila
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
