when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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