that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
