theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Let's get the cat blown out
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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