remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
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I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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