just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
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