Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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