She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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