Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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