When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
