I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
