I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
