if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
