My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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