i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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