I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
