Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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