my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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