People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm just crazy horny about you
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
