Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
