ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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