so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
