I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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