Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
