nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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