Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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