Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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