So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Two words: blizzard sex
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
