9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
