I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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