i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
