the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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