the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
