it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
