so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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