goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
