I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
