i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
