I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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