Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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