i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
