Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
