hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
