if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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