I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
high people should be assigned attendants
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
