The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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