Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
